She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I deserve this hangover.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
