I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
