My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
