Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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