Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
