You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
