We're facebook friends in real life
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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