is your mom at the bar?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
