saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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