Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
