I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
