dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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