She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
