in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
