STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I wish my penis had an off switch
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
