I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
