If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
