On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
