Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
