I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
