you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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