i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
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