This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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