Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Enjoy the penises
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
