mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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