So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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