I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
