there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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