My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
