Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
