Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
