im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm at about main and main street
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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