i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
