His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
