just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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