I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
