I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
