I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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