Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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