Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
