My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
