some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
