3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
