after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
