your parents love me but you hate me
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
