How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
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I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
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why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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