i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
