Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Randomize
