Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
