My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
