WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
