Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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