shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
