It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
