If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
