i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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