sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
